you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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