Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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