planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize