apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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