why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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