Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
