those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
