His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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