I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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