I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
