2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
babies were throwing up all over the place
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize