and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize