I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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