I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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