On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
