I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
