Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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