I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
