I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
