I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
