you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
