They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
