I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
