you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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