If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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