I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
