im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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