I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
