Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
