on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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