I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
