carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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