She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize