I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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