i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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