White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
