Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
