I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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