I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
