Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
