I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
