I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
