I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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