I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
