Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
