Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I need moral support for this bender
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
