the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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