Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
