you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
