Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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