i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
