How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
