I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
