Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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