a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
