yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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